Deconstructing the Food Network

Anthony Bourdain, bad boy of the kitchen and of the Travel Channel, guest blogs at ruhlman.com with a serious exercise of deconstructing the current state of his former cable home, the Food Network. In his typically "frank and honest" style he runs through the major personalities of the network.

Alton Brown:

How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He's smart. You actually learn something from his commentary...

Emeril:

He's STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I've gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I've given him...

Bobby Flay:

They seem to have noticed Bobby's strong "negatives" among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN...And whatever I might have thought of Flay's previous TV efforts, I find the network's misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical...

Mario:

Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television?...

The Ace of Cakes Guy:

...I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good...

Giada:

...Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she's likeable, knows what she's doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you'd actually want to eat...

Rachel Ray:

...We KNOW she can't cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She's selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough...

Paula Deen:

I'm reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors...

Sandra Lee:

Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained...

Pure Bourdain.

And these are only the highlights that registered most strongly with me, but then, I miss Alton's cerebral predecessor, David Rosengarten.